Hi Folks!
Well, it has been awhile since I have last posted on here. The last time we talked about how my thirteen year old decided to take off (run away) and her consequences in her choices. Unfortunately, the story does not end there!
Our family goes to church every Sunday and the girls are encouraged to go to go to their Youth group on Wednesdays. However, the rules are pretty clear that ALL youth are to stay inside the building until parents arrive to take them home! Did my wonderful thirteen year old do that? No! She decided to go outside and "hide" on church property. So at 8:05 pm she left the building and went...well, I really don't exactly know where she went but when I searched every room for her, she was no where to be found. So thinking that maybe, just maybe, she got a ride home...I took another child home and then checked at my house to find nothing!
I will have to say that I was pretty hot about the situation when at 9:00 pm at night my darling child was no where to be found! I wasn't worried but I sure was angry! Remember, folks, I teach my kids that they are free to choose ANY choice they want but they are NOT free to choose their consequence! So that being said, I called my friend, that lived just a few blocks from the church that my daughter was not at home and I would have to go back to the church to find her. The upshot is that SIX people took special time out of their schedules, late at night to try and find my wonderful child! She walked in to the building with the comment, "You shunned me, when you didn't stop to pick me up!" Now, I NEVER saw her and I went around the building to try and find her too!
Twice people had to look for her and twice she disrespected the rules and ignored the people around looking for her! So that night, which I thought my friend was going to thump her for her comment, she went straight to bed...NO finishing homework and NO dinner! Again, I say EVERYONE has the freedom to make whatever choice they want but they are not free to choose their consequences. So at 10:00 pm my friend called to talk about the events and how to impress upon my child that this is not OK behavior! So her consequences are as follows: For EVERY person that had to take time out of their schedule she must fulfill two hours of community service for them. I felt that this was just punishment for making six people look for her late at night. Now her consequences probably would not have been so harsh had she not done the same thing not two weeks prior to this incident.
How do you impress upon a thirteen year old that her choices are not only not safe but not ok on any level? You take away their freedom and make them do "time"! So my daughter's community service for me was moving a very LARGE pile of compost to various locations on our property...however, she yelled, cried, had excuse after excuse as to why this was unfair punishment, to the point of yelling and saying she "loathed me! And hated me". I am getting better on the fourth child to not rise to the bait and instead of raising my voice simply said, "that's ok, I still love you!" When I impressed upon her that it was HER choice that had her moving the dirt not mine, not her dad's, not her step dad's, her sisters, or her friend's choices but her own choices, she finally calmed down and cried. She was tired of getting into trouble all the time! I told her, "Only you can make wise choices within the rules and boundaries of this home, maybe she needs to think her choices through and decide if the choice is worth the consequence she will receive."
Since that day, she is quieter, more humble, and takes a more careful look at what she chooses to do. We went to a Women's Conference for our church, just her and I, and had a really good time listening to speakers inform us that we are daughters of God by birthright not choice and that our light shines in a time when darkness threatens our every move in life. I think it was a very powerful message that my thirteen year old needed to hear!
She still has five other people she must work off her community service but I think (and hope) that this will be the last time she takes off and ignores this rule whether at the church or at home or another activity. The idea is to give icky, awful consequences that are so uncomfortable, that the choice that was made will be impressed upon the child to avoid it at all cost and never do it again. In my time that was a beating with a belt or switch, however, I don't do that and it is illegal! The next best thing is let the consequences fit the crime! If an adult stole from a store the choice they made to not pay for the item would result in jail time so her community service will work to serve as a reminder that the choices she makes have consequences of using her precious time. Her time she could be reading books, her time she could be spending with friends or her time she could be watching t.v. with the family. Either way it is taking away any free time she may have for the choices SHE made!
Good luck, Everyone on raising your teenagers or the ones that are up and coming teenagers!
Until next time, stay strong!
Nikki
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