Hi Folks!
Well, it has been awhile since I have last posted on here. The last time we talked about how my thirteen year old decided to take off (run away) and her consequences in her choices. Unfortunately, the story does not end there!
Our family goes to church every Sunday and the girls are encouraged to go to go to their Youth group on Wednesdays. However, the rules are pretty clear that ALL youth are to stay inside the building until parents arrive to take them home! Did my wonderful thirteen year old do that? No! She decided to go outside and "hide" on church property. So at 8:05 pm she left the building and went...well, I really don't exactly know where she went but when I searched every room for her, she was no where to be found. So thinking that maybe, just maybe, she got a ride home...I took another child home and then checked at my house to find nothing!
I will have to say that I was pretty hot about the situation when at 9:00 pm at night my darling child was no where to be found! I wasn't worried but I sure was angry! Remember, folks, I teach my kids that they are free to choose ANY choice they want but they are NOT free to choose their consequence! So that being said, I called my friend, that lived just a few blocks from the church that my daughter was not at home and I would have to go back to the church to find her. The upshot is that SIX people took special time out of their schedules, late at night to try and find my wonderful child! She walked in to the building with the comment, "You shunned me, when you didn't stop to pick me up!" Now, I NEVER saw her and I went around the building to try and find her too!
Twice people had to look for her and twice she disrespected the rules and ignored the people around looking for her! So that night, which I thought my friend was going to thump her for her comment, she went straight to bed...NO finishing homework and NO dinner! Again, I say EVERYONE has the freedom to make whatever choice they want but they are not free to choose their consequences. So at 10:00 pm my friend called to talk about the events and how to impress upon my child that this is not OK behavior! So her consequences are as follows: For EVERY person that had to take time out of their schedule she must fulfill two hours of community service for them. I felt that this was just punishment for making six people look for her late at night. Now her consequences probably would not have been so harsh had she not done the same thing not two weeks prior to this incident.
How do you impress upon a thirteen year old that her choices are not only not safe but not ok on any level? You take away their freedom and make them do "time"! So my daughter's community service for me was moving a very LARGE pile of compost to various locations on our property...however, she yelled, cried, had excuse after excuse as to why this was unfair punishment, to the point of yelling and saying she "loathed me! And hated me". I am getting better on the fourth child to not rise to the bait and instead of raising my voice simply said, "that's ok, I still love you!" When I impressed upon her that it was HER choice that had her moving the dirt not mine, not her dad's, not her step dad's, her sisters, or her friend's choices but her own choices, she finally calmed down and cried. She was tired of getting into trouble all the time! I told her, "Only you can make wise choices within the rules and boundaries of this home, maybe she needs to think her choices through and decide if the choice is worth the consequence she will receive."
Since that day, she is quieter, more humble, and takes a more careful look at what she chooses to do. We went to a Women's Conference for our church, just her and I, and had a really good time listening to speakers inform us that we are daughters of God by birthright not choice and that our light shines in a time when darkness threatens our every move in life. I think it was a very powerful message that my thirteen year old needed to hear!
She still has five other people she must work off her community service but I think (and hope) that this will be the last time she takes off and ignores this rule whether at the church or at home or another activity. The idea is to give icky, awful consequences that are so uncomfortable, that the choice that was made will be impressed upon the child to avoid it at all cost and never do it again. In my time that was a beating with a belt or switch, however, I don't do that and it is illegal! The next best thing is let the consequences fit the crime! If an adult stole from a store the choice they made to not pay for the item would result in jail time so her community service will work to serve as a reminder that the choices she makes have consequences of using her precious time. Her time she could be reading books, her time she could be spending with friends or her time she could be watching t.v. with the family. Either way it is taking away any free time she may have for the choices SHE made!
Good luck, Everyone on raising your teenagers or the ones that are up and coming teenagers!
Until next time, stay strong!
Nikki
Nicole Music
That's me...
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saturday, September 13, 2014
All is fair in love and parenting!
The end of a long Saturday corralling teenagers and a toddler. National Service day was a success and all went well with consequences for my newest member of the teen pool!
You ever have a child that just absolutely refuses to follow rules and uses EVERY, and I mean EVERY, excuse as to why YOUR rules are dumb and should be ignored? Well, this last Thursday was my day for this experience! My partner got really tired of listening to a moody, passive/aggressive thirteen year old and told her to clean as the consequence to her big 'TUDE. The problem with this idea is that it started at 9:00 pm at night and she took off. Took off and disappeared!
Now our neighborhood is like many others, in that we have an over abundance of registered sex offenders living near by. So true to teenage fashion, my precious daughter whom I love, took off and disappeared at night with NO pants only short shorts and a sweatshirt. She didn't even have a pair of shoes on. However, Mommy is not one to jump at a chance to "rescue" my kids so I let her go for about an hour. Needless to say, the next three hours had me, my partner/hubby, my ex, her 17 1/2 yr old sister and a slew of friends and neighbors looking for her and eventually the police.
She eventually came out of her hiding place to come face to face with her biological father, the police and me. Now if you are anything like me and have an EX, there is a pretty good reason that person is your ex! This situation was no different in driving that point home with a sledge hammer! My thirteen year old made it sound like her step dad was beating her, which was NOT the case, so that she could get her dad's approval. The police took one look at me and one look at the ex and realized I was right! She was doing all of this because she didn't want the consequences her step dad gave her.
Raising teenagers in this day and age is difficult at best and frustrating at the most. I am not a stranger to raising teenagers since I have raised three other children to adulthood and have a toddler on her way. The problem is that my thirteen year old thinks that consequences are abuse and I am NOT talking about using her hands to clean the cat box or something completely vile. I am talking about sweeping or mopping floors, vacuuming, disinfecting a counter or two and doing dishes kind of thing. The reason I am telling you this is that the style for my parenting for teens is very similar to that which I do on a school bus...give them enough rope to hang themselves! So our mantra here is:
"You have ALL the power in the world to make WHATEVER choice you want to make BUT you are not free to choose your CONSEQUENCES!" Good or bad your choice will determine what your consequence will be and since I prefer to let the punishment fit the crime it can be very fulfilling in teaching them the right way to go!
So here is what happened after the police got involved. My daughter boo hooed about how bad she had it, her dad sympathized with her and threatened to take to court, thus coming to our daughter's rescue. I sent our daughter in to bed since it was a school night. Then I discussed the taboos of what he was doing and how I would have to come up with a consequence that would not affect her since it was his weekend and he had to do fun things to make up for his lack of presence. Like I said there is a reason we have ex's, and this one is no different!
Thank goodness, he finally decided to see reason! My suggestion was that not only would my daughter not get to go to the birthday party she was invited to on Friday but she would have to participate in the National Service Day activity that was being hosted by our church on Saturday! Hard labor to work off. My ex agreed and then we told my daughter this: "You had the power to make good or bad choices and tonight was an extremely bad choice! Now your consequences are that you still have to go to school in the morning which means you only get five hours of sleep instead of eight or nine, lose the birthday party and you have to work on Saturday too!"
My daughter hates my rules, because I don't argue with her or yell...I just tell her these are the rules cut and dry! Now do I have moments when I want to throttle her or any of my other children? OMG! YES!!!!! It isn't easy staying unemotional when dealing out consequences especially when you know they can do better and become the best person in the world! However, I have learned through trial and error, LOTS of mistakes that the BEST way to handle teens in today's world is to give them the power to make the choices YOU are able to live with and give them the consequences that they deserve!
Hope this helps...Off for now to give cuddles to my 23 month old before she grows up into the teen 'Tude I know she will become! Until then...good luck fellow parents out there!
Nikki
You ever have a child that just absolutely refuses to follow rules and uses EVERY, and I mean EVERY, excuse as to why YOUR rules are dumb and should be ignored? Well, this last Thursday was my day for this experience! My partner got really tired of listening to a moody, passive/aggressive thirteen year old and told her to clean as the consequence to her big 'TUDE. The problem with this idea is that it started at 9:00 pm at night and she took off. Took off and disappeared!
Now our neighborhood is like many others, in that we have an over abundance of registered sex offenders living near by. So true to teenage fashion, my precious daughter whom I love, took off and disappeared at night with NO pants only short shorts and a sweatshirt. She didn't even have a pair of shoes on. However, Mommy is not one to jump at a chance to "rescue" my kids so I let her go for about an hour. Needless to say, the next three hours had me, my partner/hubby, my ex, her 17 1/2 yr old sister and a slew of friends and neighbors looking for her and eventually the police.
She eventually came out of her hiding place to come face to face with her biological father, the police and me. Now if you are anything like me and have an EX, there is a pretty good reason that person is your ex! This situation was no different in driving that point home with a sledge hammer! My thirteen year old made it sound like her step dad was beating her, which was NOT the case, so that she could get her dad's approval. The police took one look at me and one look at the ex and realized I was right! She was doing all of this because she didn't want the consequences her step dad gave her.
Raising teenagers in this day and age is difficult at best and frustrating at the most. I am not a stranger to raising teenagers since I have raised three other children to adulthood and have a toddler on her way. The problem is that my thirteen year old thinks that consequences are abuse and I am NOT talking about using her hands to clean the cat box or something completely vile. I am talking about sweeping or mopping floors, vacuuming, disinfecting a counter or two and doing dishes kind of thing. The reason I am telling you this is that the style for my parenting for teens is very similar to that which I do on a school bus...give them enough rope to hang themselves! So our mantra here is:
"You have ALL the power in the world to make WHATEVER choice you want to make BUT you are not free to choose your CONSEQUENCES!" Good or bad your choice will determine what your consequence will be and since I prefer to let the punishment fit the crime it can be very fulfilling in teaching them the right way to go!
So here is what happened after the police got involved. My daughter boo hooed about how bad she had it, her dad sympathized with her and threatened to take to court, thus coming to our daughter's rescue. I sent our daughter in to bed since it was a school night. Then I discussed the taboos of what he was doing and how I would have to come up with a consequence that would not affect her since it was his weekend and he had to do fun things to make up for his lack of presence. Like I said there is a reason we have ex's, and this one is no different!
Thank goodness, he finally decided to see reason! My suggestion was that not only would my daughter not get to go to the birthday party she was invited to on Friday but she would have to participate in the National Service Day activity that was being hosted by our church on Saturday! Hard labor to work off. My ex agreed and then we told my daughter this: "You had the power to make good or bad choices and tonight was an extremely bad choice! Now your consequences are that you still have to go to school in the morning which means you only get five hours of sleep instead of eight or nine, lose the birthday party and you have to work on Saturday too!"
My daughter hates my rules, because I don't argue with her or yell...I just tell her these are the rules cut and dry! Now do I have moments when I want to throttle her or any of my other children? OMG! YES!!!!! It isn't easy staying unemotional when dealing out consequences especially when you know they can do better and become the best person in the world! However, I have learned through trial and error, LOTS of mistakes that the BEST way to handle teens in today's world is to give them the power to make the choices YOU are able to live with and give them the consequences that they deserve!
Hope this helps...Off for now to give cuddles to my 23 month old before she grows up into the teen 'Tude I know she will become! Until then...good luck fellow parents out there!
Nikki
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